Shame and empathy in LGBTQ+ relationships
As sexual minorities, LGBTQ+ individuals are more vulnerable to shame. Although shame, empathy and guilt are regarded as ‘moral’ emotions that help us keep ‘on the straight and narrow’ shame is an acutely painful emotion that can really interfere with empathic connection in close relationships.
(Tangey, 1991, 1995b) even describes shame as incompatible with empathic reactions. When we feel shame, we can place a huge preoccupation over ourselves which can draw our focus away from the distressed other and short circuit any feelings of empathy. In effect when we feel shame we are less likely to be concerned with the pain experienced by the harmed partner and are more engulfed with negative feelings of the self. From this perspective it seems likely that shame brings a person one step closer to intense personal distress and several steps further from true other-orientated empathy.
People feel shame and guilt for a huge range of perceived failures and trangressions, but in the LGBTQA+ communities the shame may be more alive for some individuals for the following reasons:
Lack of affirming parents or community
Being shamed from an early age for being attracted to the same sex
Being isolated from friends family, e.g moving cities or leaving home at a young age to escape non-affirming family or community and therefore feeling ‘othered’
Engaging in more risk taking behaviours in order to ‘align or fit in with a group’ which then may enhance already present feelings of shame. For example after work drinks at the pub that then turns into an all-night binge and then feelings of shame the next day.
When people feel shame, they feel badly about themselves; when people feel guilt, they feel badly about a specific behavior. So this shameful feeling about the self is often quite embodied, maybe you get hot cheeks, tension in your stomach, a sense of wanting to shrink, of wanting the ground to swallow you up, of being small, a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness.
Noticing that you’re feeling shame can be very empowering in these situations. When the feeling of shame arises it’s usually impossible to communicate well, so it’s best not to try. Instead, acknowledge these embodied triggered sensations as they arise (hot cheeks, tingling or tension in the stomach, feeling small, wanting to shrink) and just say to yourself “I’m triggered right now.”
Then you can bring yourself back to the present by doing things like:
Noticing the sensation of clothing on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in.
Taking 5 long, deep breaths through an o-shaped mouth and exhale through your nose (calms the nervous system).
Picking up an object and examine its weight, texture, and other physical qualities.
Paying special attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic, or trees blowing in the wind.
Groups are also a very affirming way of connecting with people and can lower shame proneness, anxiety and depression and help us regulate emotions.
If you are interested in joining an LGBTQ+ zoom group please express your interest here