Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Benjamin Franklin
The antidote to shame is empathy and affirmation. As I touched on in the previous article, noticing where it ‘bubbles up’ is really half the battle.
It is well documented that shame often fuels rage. Many people experience what therapists call shame-rage cycles: when shame feels too raw and difficult, it quickly transforms into anger. Anger can feel safer and more powerful than the raw vulnerability of shame. It’s much easier to lash out than to admit, even to ourselves, that we feel worthless or defective.
Shame and shyness frequently get in the way of expressing a healthier, more assertive form of anger, the kind that protects our boundaries, voices our needs, and empowers us. Instead of using anger constructively, many people either suppress it completely or let it explode in ways that damage relationships and leave them feeling even more ashamed afterwards.
Shame and anger are often sequenced then, when people feel inadequate or defective, they get angry to protect themselves, then possibly feel ashamed that they got more angry. This cycle can erupt into violence, either domestic or otherwise. But anger that is not expressed or is unacknowledged can lead to hopelessness and depression so it is very helpful to know what type of shame and what type of anger is present.
Intimate relationships often bring up shame we didn’t even realise we were carrying. When it suddenly surfaces, it can feel surprising, overwhelming and shocking. It can frequently turn into anger as a quick defence. Instead of sitting with the discomfort of feeling unworthy or flawed, we may lash out or become defensive.
The good news is that our partners see us up close. This closeness creates valuable opportunities to work through shame together, rather than unconsciously dumping it onto them.
Name it without judgment Simply recognising “This is shame talking” can loosen its grip. Shame loses power when it’s brought into the light. You might say to yourself (or your partner): “I’m feeling ashamed right now, and it’s making me want to shut down.”
Distinguish shame from guilt Guilt focuses on behaviour and can motivate repair (“I said something hurtful, I can apologise”). Shame attacks your core self (“I’m a terrible person”). Learning this difference prevents you from spiralling into self-hatred.
Practice self-compassion Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you care about. Instead of “I’m such an idiot,” try: “This is really hard, and I’m doing my best. Everyone makes mistakes.”