Grief as an Extension of the
Attach-ment System
Complicated grief (also known as prolonged grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder) refers to an intense, prolonged form of mourning that goes beyond normal bereavement. It involves persistent, debilitating symptoms such as overwhelming yearning for the deceased, intrusive thoughts or images of them, difficulty accepting the reality of the loss, emotional numbness, a sense of emptiness, avoidance of reminders, and impaired functioning in daily life, relationships, or work. Unlike typical grief, which gradually lessens over time (often within 6–12 months for most people), complicated grief can last years and may require targeted therapeutic intervention. It was formally recognised in diagnostic systems like DSM-5-TR (as Prolonged Grief Disorder) and ICD-11.
John Bowlby's attachment theory provides one of the most influential frameworks for understanding why some people develop complicated grief while others adapt more readily. Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, developed attachment theory in the mid-20th century (detailed in his trilogy Attachment and Loss, 1969–1980). He viewed humans as biologically wired to form strong emotional bonds (attachments) with primary caregivers for survival, security, and emotional regulation. These bonds create an "attachment behavioral system" that activates in times of threat or separation to seek proximity and comfort from attachment figures.
Grief as an Extension of the Attachment System
Bowlby conceptualised grief not as a separate process but as a natural response to the disruption of an attachment bond. When a loved one dies, the attachment system is triggered by the perceived "separation distress." Without the attachment figure (who provided safety, love, and a "secure base"), the bereaved person experiences protest, yearning, despair, and eventual reorganization.
Bowlby (with collaborator Colin Murray Parkes) outlined four overlapping phases of normal grief:
Numbness/Shock — Initial disbelief and emotional shutdown to protect from overwhelming pain.
Yearning and Searching — Intense longing, searching behaviors (e.g., expecting the person to return), anger, or restlessness.
Disorganization and Despair — Deep sadness, withdrawal, loss of meaning, and difficulty functioning.
Reorganization — Gradual acceptance, rebuilding life, and maintaining a symbolic/internal bond with the deceased while re-engaging with the world.
In healthy grief, the attachment system eventually deactivates enough for adaptation, though a "continuing bond" (symbolic connection to the deceased) often persists without distress.
How Insecure Attachment Leads to Complicated Grief
Bowlby proposed that attachment insecurities (developed from early experiences) complicate this process. Modern research (building on Bowlby) links adult attachment styles to grief outcomes:
Secure attachment — People with secure internal working models (viewing self as worthy and others as reliable) grieve deeply but adaptively. They allow emotions to flow, seek support, and reorganize life while preserving positive memories of the deceased.
Anxious/preoccupied attachment — High attachment anxiety predicts chronic or prolonged grief ("chronic mourning"). The attachment system stays hyper-activated: excessive yearning, preoccupation with the deceased, hyper-accessibility of thoughts about them, difficulty accepting the loss, and trouble forming new bonds or functioning. This stems from fears of abandonment and a chronic need for reassurance.
Avoidant/dismissing attachment — Can lead to delayed or suppressed grief. Thoughts and emotions about the loss are deactivated/suppressed to maintain independence. This may appear as emotional numbness or minimal outward distress initially, but suppressed pain can resurface later (e.g., under stress), contributing to prolonged issues or physical symptoms.
Fearful/disorganized attachment — Often linked to the most severe complications, combining high anxiety and avoidance, leading to unresolved, chaotic grief responses.
Research supports Bowlby's ideas: Studies show insecure attachment (especially anxious) correlates with higher complicated grief symptoms, while secure attachment predicts better adjustment. For example, anxiously attached individuals show persistent hyper-activation of mental representations of the deceased, perpetuating distress.
Implications for Therapy and Understanding
Bowlby's framework reframes complicated grief as a disruption in the attachment system, often rooted in early experiences of insecurity or loss. Therapy (e.g., attachment-informed grief counselling, complicated grief treatment) can help by:
Exploring internal working models.
Processing suppressed emotions.
Building secure connections (including with the therapist).
Fostering adaptive continuing bonds without fixation.
In essence, Bowlby's attachment theory explains complicated grief as the attachment system's maladaptive persistence after irreversible separation. The yearning for reunion becomes chronic when early insecurities prevent healthy reorganisation. In such cases, temporarily establishing a secure attachment to a therapist can serve as a vital intermediate step, providing a safe relational base that gradually facilitates the capacity to tolerate the finality of the loss and redirect proximity-seeking toward viable, living relationships.